Researching this week’s Top 10 Burgers in San Antonio threw the city’s full burger scene into sharper focus. Getting to 10 meant going through dozens on the way there, tracing the bell curve from best to worst and the vast middle in between. This is the backside of that bell curve, the 5 Worst Burgers in San Antonio. 

BURGER KINGS: San Antonio’s Top 10 Burgers

Whataburger

It’s time somebody came out and said it: Whataburger sucks. God forbid somebody in San Antonio should say that. We treat Whataburger like a hometown hero, never mind that it never was. And now it’s just another asset in a Chicago firm’s portfolio. Through orange-colored glasses, we failed to see the beat-down beef, the bun crushed by overreach and ennui. We failed to hold accountable the burger that tastes like the wrapper it came in, with the little round sticker that says “no onion” or “bacon” or “you can do better.”

I’m part of the problem: I declared Whataburger the winner of a showdown with Burger Boy, a true San Antonio local. But if you scroll down, you’ll see Burger Boy in this rogue’s gallery, too. There’s no place for misplaced idolatry, even if the altar’s open 24 hours a day. For me, if it’s a choice between Whataburger and nada burger, I’ll take nothing every time. 7016 Bandera Road, 210-680-0721, more locations at whataburger.com 

In-N-Out Burger

Burgers and fries from In-N-Out photograph well. Kind of like glamour shots of Napoleon Dynamite's uncle. They look like models of food in a staged open house: slick and stiff and homogenous, like they were generated by AI. And I’ve always thought In-N-Out tasted that way, too. So overproduced, so focus-grouped, so mass-marketed, so offensive in its banality, “animal style” or not, with the worst french fries in the fast-food multiverse. 22226 U.S. 281 S., 800-786-1000, more locations at in-n-out.com

Burger Boy

Two years ago, I wrote this about Burger Boy: “By now, you’ve heard the fuss about smashburgers, with beef all flattened out and crispy at the edges. Burger Boy doesn’t do that kind of smashburger. They just smash the burgers. Across three locations, my burgers looked like they’d been disrespected by baggage handlers at the airport.” I’m proud to say that with seven locations and more on the way since Burger Boy opened in 1985, nothing has changed. 151 W. Bitters Road, 210-265-3084, more locations at burgerboysa.com

WHATABURGER VS. BURGER BOY: The showdown

Griff’s Hamburgers

There’s something off about the clown mascot at Griff’s Hamburgers, the one wearing a chef’s hat. The stars that form the eyes look less like starry eyes and more like a wasted clown. The fact that the clown looks like it’s wearing red striped pajamas just adds to the mystique.

I used to go to Griff's when I was a kid, but that was a different place and a different time. The Griff’s we have in San Antonio is a step back in time, but in all the wrong ways. It’s dirty, it’s disheveled, the menu board’s an illegible Plasticine glare, and the whole place looks like it could use a good power-washing.

The single-patty cheeseburger is a sad clown show of a burger, with beef that’s somehow dry and greasy at the same time, with bits of debris around the perimeter like they were trying to escape. It’s blanketed with a spackle of yellow cheese with a whiff of faraway places. And by faraway, I mean stay far away. 2418 Pleasanton Road, 210-923-1671, griffshamburgers.com

Murf’s Better Burger

On Thursdays after 5, you can have a wholly disappointing burger for half the price at Murf’s, one of those places that reminds us that “institution” isn’t always a good word  and old-fashioned sometimes just means old.

A full-price Murf Burger — mashed and sloppy and sub-Sonic — costs $4.09, just 91 cents away from a Top 10 burger at Mr. Juicy. The retro drive-thru charm of this forever burger bar on West Avenue only goes so far, and it doesn’t go far enough to cover this disaster of a burger. Greasy bun, soggy lettuce, a single tomato, tired beef. Remember when? Forget about it. 2922 West Ave., 210-342-1574, Facebook: Murfs Better Burger